my heart right now...
It's late and I should be getting to bed... but I had the thought to write today and since it has been so long since I've written I thought it would be good for me to take the time and get these thoughts down.
I believe that I have had a personal breakthrough. It may not seem like much to those on the outside... but for me, this is life-changing. And it all started about two months ago.
God met with me at a conference I attended for work. We were there to share the ministry and make some new contacts. But for me personally God had another plan in mind...
For some time now I have met God at Hadrian's wall... for you history buffs you'll get that reference, but for those who are not, I'll explain quickly. Hadrian was an Emperor of Rome and he decided that Rome had reached it's northern limit in how much land it could conquer, basically saying, "We'll go this far and no further." So he built a giant wall. I'm not a history buff, so that may not be all the pertinent details, but it's enough for what I'm sharing here... I was saved when I was seven years old and have been growing in my walk with the Lord over the years... but only to a point. I had put up a wall between me and God, essentially saying to Him, you can have all of me... except for what's behind the wall. And God in His graciousness allowed it...
for a time.
And that wall has been pushed back, and back again, each time giving God a little bit more... but still holding on to that most vulnerable and intimate place in my heart. Not allowing Him to go there; it was too painful, the brokenness too deep. He could heal and fix other things... but this was too much. I couldn't bear it.
The Lord has brought me to this last wall many times, especially over this past year and a half, gently asking for access, gently asking me to let Him be with me in the pain and heal the brokenness. And up until a few months ago I would begin to open the door but once the pain began again, I'd slam it shut once more. Gently God would prompt me to let him in to this deep area of my heart and I'd give him the cold shoulder. ignore His gentle voice and go on with my life.. when I was in school I "simply didn't have time" to deal with this, and was able to push it away much more easily... but since I've been done with school since the Spring, God has been at work.
He is ever so gentle, simply whispering, "I'm here, it's going to be okay. You can trust me."
This all came to point when in October when He had again brought me to edge of the wall and said to my heart, "Are you ready now? to let me in? to let me heal you?" I didn't want to... I wanted to say "no" ...to say that I was "fine" and whatever brokenness that remained behind the wall could stay there for all I cared... But I realized that since I'm a follower of Jesus and I love Him and He loves me, He would never let this "rest." It would be brought up again and again until I either surrendered to His gentle voice, or hardened my heart beyond repair. I knew I could not do the latter, so with shaking hands and a tear-stained face I wrote this in my journal:
"Lord, I'm scared to find out what is lurking in the shadows. I don't like being vulnerable, but I'm realizing that I must be with You. After all, You already know all things. I don't want to be broken, I want to be whole, complete, and healed. I know You can do that. As scared as I am, I'm beginning to realize that I MUST allow You to show me the depths of my brokenness in order to show me the depths of Your healing and Love. Father, I'm willing to go there, if You go with me."
And each day He gently leads me one step closer to healing. One step of letting go of anger I thought I had released. One step of forgiving where I thought I had forgiven. One step of releasing bitterness and one step of embracing love.
All along I had been asking God to heal me in an instant, much the same way a surgery occurs and is complete. But what I hadn't realized was that God had a different plan in store. This healing is not about the destination, it is about the journey; about discovering the depths of love that my Abba Father has for me. My healing is more of physical and occupational therapy than a one time operation. And God is teaching me to be okay with that. He's showing me more of who He is, and teaching me to praise Him. To keep my eyes on Him instead of on the storm.
Right now I'm working through the book titled, 'the 30 day praise challenge.' and I'm gonna be honest (like I haven't been honest this whole time?...) it truly has been a challenge. The first week of intentionally spending time praising Him I kept saying, "Lord, am I doing this right? here I am, this is what is in my hands... I hope it's good enough" and then I'd spend the time praising Him for whichever AMAZING characteristic was the focus of the day. And each morning as I'd get my cup of coffee and settle onto the couch, get out my Bible, journal, and this book, God would meet me right there where I was in that very moment. I woke up feeling sad, God is my joy. Or I'm feeling particularly lonely, God meets my deepest needs. Or feeling inadequate, the Holy Spirit empowers me to live a life pleasing to God. Or the circumstances of life are tough and I don't know how things will turn out... God is steadfast and never changing.
Each day a new worry, each day a new reason to lift my eyes above the storm and focus on the One to whom the winds and waves obey.
God is so faithful! God is SO GOOD!
Life is feeling very heavy these days... there are uncertainties in circumstances... and loneliness always seems to be lurking at my door. But today's focus was on God having overcome the world.
"I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
-John 16:33
"But thanks be to God who gives the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."
-1 Corinthians 15:57
These things demand that I raise my heart, hands, and voice in praise to the Father. And I'm so thankful for the opportunity to praise Him!
All for now,
Lou
Ps. 18:29
I believe that I have had a personal breakthrough. It may not seem like much to those on the outside... but for me, this is life-changing. And it all started about two months ago.
God met with me at a conference I attended for work. We were there to share the ministry and make some new contacts. But for me personally God had another plan in mind...
For some time now I have met God at Hadrian's wall... for you history buffs you'll get that reference, but for those who are not, I'll explain quickly. Hadrian was an Emperor of Rome and he decided that Rome had reached it's northern limit in how much land it could conquer, basically saying, "We'll go this far and no further." So he built a giant wall. I'm not a history buff, so that may not be all the pertinent details, but it's enough for what I'm sharing here... I was saved when I was seven years old and have been growing in my walk with the Lord over the years... but only to a point. I had put up a wall between me and God, essentially saying to Him, you can have all of me... except for what's behind the wall. And God in His graciousness allowed it...
for a time.
And that wall has been pushed back, and back again, each time giving God a little bit more... but still holding on to that most vulnerable and intimate place in my heart. Not allowing Him to go there; it was too painful, the brokenness too deep. He could heal and fix other things... but this was too much. I couldn't bear it.
The Lord has brought me to this last wall many times, especially over this past year and a half, gently asking for access, gently asking me to let Him be with me in the pain and heal the brokenness. And up until a few months ago I would begin to open the door but once the pain began again, I'd slam it shut once more. Gently God would prompt me to let him in to this deep area of my heart and I'd give him the cold shoulder. ignore His gentle voice and go on with my life.. when I was in school I "simply didn't have time" to deal with this, and was able to push it away much more easily... but since I've been done with school since the Spring, God has been at work.
He is ever so gentle, simply whispering, "I'm here, it's going to be okay. You can trust me."
This all came to point when in October when He had again brought me to edge of the wall and said to my heart, "Are you ready now? to let me in? to let me heal you?" I didn't want to... I wanted to say "no" ...to say that I was "fine" and whatever brokenness that remained behind the wall could stay there for all I cared... But I realized that since I'm a follower of Jesus and I love Him and He loves me, He would never let this "rest." It would be brought up again and again until I either surrendered to His gentle voice, or hardened my heart beyond repair. I knew I could not do the latter, so with shaking hands and a tear-stained face I wrote this in my journal:
"Lord, I'm scared to find out what is lurking in the shadows. I don't like being vulnerable, but I'm realizing that I must be with You. After all, You already know all things. I don't want to be broken, I want to be whole, complete, and healed. I know You can do that. As scared as I am, I'm beginning to realize that I MUST allow You to show me the depths of my brokenness in order to show me the depths of Your healing and Love. Father, I'm willing to go there, if You go with me."
And each day He gently leads me one step closer to healing. One step of letting go of anger I thought I had released. One step of forgiving where I thought I had forgiven. One step of releasing bitterness and one step of embracing love.
All along I had been asking God to heal me in an instant, much the same way a surgery occurs and is complete. But what I hadn't realized was that God had a different plan in store. This healing is not about the destination, it is about the journey; about discovering the depths of love that my Abba Father has for me. My healing is more of physical and occupational therapy than a one time operation. And God is teaching me to be okay with that. He's showing me more of who He is, and teaching me to praise Him. To keep my eyes on Him instead of on the storm.
Right now I'm working through the book titled, 'the 30 day praise challenge.' and I'm gonna be honest (like I haven't been honest this whole time?...) it truly has been a challenge. The first week of intentionally spending time praising Him I kept saying, "Lord, am I doing this right? here I am, this is what is in my hands... I hope it's good enough" and then I'd spend the time praising Him for whichever AMAZING characteristic was the focus of the day. And each morning as I'd get my cup of coffee and settle onto the couch, get out my Bible, journal, and this book, God would meet me right there where I was in that very moment. I woke up feeling sad, God is my joy. Or I'm feeling particularly lonely, God meets my deepest needs. Or feeling inadequate, the Holy Spirit empowers me to live a life pleasing to God. Or the circumstances of life are tough and I don't know how things will turn out... God is steadfast and never changing.
Each day a new worry, each day a new reason to lift my eyes above the storm and focus on the One to whom the winds and waves obey.
God is so faithful! God is SO GOOD!
Life is feeling very heavy these days... there are uncertainties in circumstances... and loneliness always seems to be lurking at my door. But today's focus was on God having overcome the world.
"I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
-John 16:33
"But thanks be to God who gives the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."
-1 Corinthians 15:57
These things demand that I raise my heart, hands, and voice in praise to the Father. And I'm so thankful for the opportunity to praise Him!
All for now,
Lou
Ps. 18:29
Comments
Post a Comment