31 Day Writing Challenge - Day 11

Prompt: Describe a time you wanted something so much it hurt.

Have you ever held a desire so tightly that it began to hurt? Have you wanted something so badly that it caused physical pain? I have. 

When I was 27 years old, I had this kind of desire. It wasn't a passing desire, but one that I had carried for many years. It wasn't a desperate desire that made me go crazy and do impulsive things, rather it was the kind of desire that burns a hole in your heart as you carry it, like carrying a hot coal in your hand. Yet I couldn't release the desire, because letting it go felt like cutting out a piece of my very heart. 

This desire is one I had carried since I was about 14 years old. Though my expectations of what fulfillment would look like changed over time, this desire was constant. I still went about my life, graduated high school, still the desire lingered. Served for a year on a traveling ministry team, still the desire lingered. Spent a year working and saving, still the desire lingered. Began college and four years later graduated with my business degree, still the desire lingered. 

In the early years, I thought about this desire almost constantly. I'm slightly embarrassed to admit that I allowed this singular desire to absorb so much of my focus. Yet, I did. I thought about it as traveled in ministry, drove to and from work, and in between study sessions. 

Around the age of 24, I began forbidding the desire to take up the majority of my active focus, rather it ran as a sort of background program. It became part of the operating system. Kind of the like the apps that your phone comes preloaded with. 

I would also say that with every passing year, this desire only intensified. It did not fade. It did not go away. I would not be ignored. Though I was successful at letting it be a background program, it was still there, in the background, ready to be opened and fully operational as quickly as navigating between two tabs in your internet browser. 

Perhaps you have guessed this desire by now? 

I wanted to be married; to find my person and build a life with them. 

I wanted to be married because I was hungry for deep intimacy, and I'm not talking about the sexual kind - though I did desire that too. I craved the deep intimacy of being fully known and fully loved.  The kind of intimacy that allows truly authentic self-expression in every part of me, and no part of me is criticized or rejected. I wanted to find my person. And once I found them, then we could build together, adventure together, and simply enjoy life side by side.